Monday, July 19, 2010
"Take me home to my heart." @ 10:47 PM
It's been so long and I have been so neglectful of this blog, among my many others.
Life's been pretty crazy lately, and when life decides to take off—it doesn't slow down. My family is repairing though my relationships have shifted. I barely speak to my mother and now live with my dad. I'll admit it was strange at first but I feel so comfortable here. Besides, university's shown me that your room isn't what is important, but rather who you surround yourself.
So I'm here until September when I can ship my heart back to its homeland, and head back to school. There's something about the air in that city that makes me feel safe and comfortable. I know that my life splits when I exit that highway, and I appreciate that for what it is—escape. It's probably not healthy, I know that, but I don't want to think about my life when I go back to school. I love feeding off the petty arguments and dramas that arise in this young adult world I find myself in, they never phase me anymore. Not after December.
So I'm waiting as patiently as I can for the winds to change. The cool autumn breeze that chills my bones always lets me know it's time to go back.
Ardently,
Allie
Thursday, December 31, 2009
"So this is the new year..." @ 11:30 PM
“Counting down to zero just to start again, Oh what a way to start the new year”
New Year. Fresh new start, right?
I’m hoping so, because a fresh start is exactly what I’m in need of. I won’t make resolutions because I’m no good at keeping them. But I know that I don’t want to settle this year, I want to be different.
Cliché I know, but it’s time for some reinvention. I just want to be better this year. I want to become fearless and take risks, even if they come back to haunt me. I want to love with everything in me even if I get hurt in the process. I want to bring out all my quirkiness and find someone who loves me for everything I am—good and bad.
I just want this year to be different than 2009 was. Not that 2009 was awful, it was just lackluster and dull. I want 2010 to be interesting and sparkly, like the glitter eyeliner I’m wearing. So here’s to hoping that 2010 turns out to be bigger and better than 2009 was. : )
Ardently,
Allie
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Not this year... @ 10:45 PM
It's the
christmas season. A time of laughter, joy, pure happiness. And a time of family.
But it won't be like that for me, not this year. I came home from university two days ago to find out that my dad had left my mom and moved out. Permanently. I could barely look at him the whole ride to my home, I tried to keep my sobs silent. What could I say, I was in shock.
Since then I sent him a letter and I know in a way he's sorry, but his timing couldn't be any worse. Instead of simply having bad moments, I'm having "good moments" clouded by a mostly negative day. I hate it, I just wish I could wake up and have things be different.
My mom's taking it so hard, it's heartbreaking to see. But I know she can get through it, she's strong.
I'm pretty much already past the first three steps of grief. I denied it, I was angry and I bargained with god. Now I'm depressed waiting for the acceptance. All in two days, my world and my mood have gone a full 180. But I hide how I feel from my family, they're all in too much pain. So I bottled up the emotions and carried on.
Not the healthiest way to deal with emotions, believe me I know. But it's the only way I know how to deal with it. It would've been hard anytime of year, but Christmas of all times.
I can't do Christmas happy, not this year.
Ardently,
Allie
Sunday, November 29, 2009
"Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable." @ 2:59 PM
It's strange how much I can sympathize with this secret. It's from
PostSecret, a community art project started a few years ago that allows people to relinquish their secrets by mailing them on a postcard.
Vulnerability, it's a funny thing. It's something I hate, something I wish I could change and something I sometimes don't see. But it's always there, lurking in the shadows. It fades but never disappears. It creeps up when I least expect it and fills my world with dark thoughts and dark days. I think sometimes solitude would be a lot simpler than trusting.
Trusting involves divulging my secrets, fears and my soul to someone. That's a terrifying thought that I let someone in completely. So I keep guarded just enough that no one can hurt me. It's not a wise idea, but it's been keeping me going for the past eighteen years.
So maybe I'll learn in time to trust and be trusted, but I've had so many people walk into my life only to walk right back out. So I've learned that it's better not to trust them entirely, but rather to only let them in so much that they feel we're close. But never actually be truly close. Not yet anyway.
University's brought me so many new people that I enjoy getting to know. But I can't let any of them in like I wish I could. They'll leave me, that's what the voice in my head reminds me and I can't help but agree with it. So we're friends but a true close relationship will take months, even years to develop. But for now I'm trying to sort my way through the world as best I can.
I just don't want to be lonely but I think that sometimes I do like to be alone.
Labels: alone, be, guarded, i, lonely, not, to, trust, vulnerable, want
Friday, November 27, 2009
"I need you so much closer." @ 9:19 PM
I'm addicted to the concept of love. What does it truly mean to be "in love"? I don't know, because this is something I haven't experienced yet.
However, I have experienced heart break. It's strange how it is so much easier to have your heart broken rather than to feel it's joy. To shed tears over someone than to kiss them. Maybe this happens so that when love does come along we will be able to appreciate it. The day our hearts fill up we will still remember the days when they were empty.
My heart has only ached once, I was over the moon for a boy with little emotion for me. I pined and pined away for him, but still he said nothing. I spoke to him, pleading with him to talk to me, and yet he did nothing. So I poured my heart into an email and sent it to him. It turned into an argument, the friendship we were creating was destroyed forever. I have not spoken to him since that night.
But not a day goes by that I don't think about how that made me feel, the emotion is still so raw. I remember how it feels to cry on my bathroom floor, so broken I didn't know if I could ever stand up again. The sobs that shook my entire body as I lay in my bed pleading with God for answers. I can't because the minute I do, I'll let myself throw my heart away again. So I keep this as a reminder, that the day I meet a boy who doesn't make me feel this way—he'll be the one.
Maybe he won't be here in a week, a month or even a year. But I know he will be here in time. And that's all I need to keep me going.
Ardently,
Allie
Labels: boy, fall, heart, kiss, love, me, my, so, stolen
It's strange how much I can sympathize with this secret. It's from PostSecret, a community art project started a few years ago that allows people to relinquish their secrets by mailing them on a postcard.