It's strange how much I can sympathize with this secret. It's from
PostSecret, a community art project started a few years ago that allows people to relinquish their secrets by mailing them on a postcard.
Vulnerability, it's a funny thing. It's something I hate, something I wish I could change and something I sometimes don't see. But it's always there, lurking in the shadows. It fades but never disappears. It creeps up when I least expect it and fills my world with dark thoughts and dark days. I think sometimes solitude would be a lot simpler than trusting.
Trusting involves divulging my secrets, fears and my soul to someone. That's a terrifying thought that I let someone in completely. So I keep guarded just enough that no one can hurt me. It's not a wise idea, but it's been keeping me going for the past eighteen years.
So maybe I'll learn in time to trust and be trusted, but I've had so many people walk into my life only to walk right back out. So I've learned that it's better not to trust them entirely, but rather to only let them in so much that they feel we're close. But never actually be truly close. Not yet anyway.
University's brought me so many new people that I enjoy getting to know. But I can't let any of them in like I wish I could. They'll leave me, that's what the voice in my head reminds me and I can't help but agree with it. So we're friends but a true close relationship will take months, even years to develop. But for now I'm trying to sort my way through the world as best I can.
I just don't want to be lonely but I think that sometimes I do like to be alone.
Labels: alone, be, guarded, i, lonely, not, to, trust, vulnerable, want
I'm addicted to the concept of love. What does it truly mean to be "in love"? I don't know, because this is something I haven't experienced yet.
However, I have experienced heart break. It's strange how it is so much easier to have your heart broken rather than to feel it's joy. To shed tears over someone than to kiss them. Maybe this happens so that when love does come along we will be able to appreciate it. The day our hearts fill up we will still remember the days when they were empty.
My heart has only ached once, I was over the moon for a boy with little emotion for me. I pined and pined away for him, but still he said nothing. I spoke to him, pleading with him to talk to me, and yet he did nothing. So I poured my heart into an email and sent it to him. It turned into an argument, the friendship we were creating was destroyed forever. I have not spoken to him since that night.
But not a day goes by that I don't think about how that made me feel, the emotion is still so raw. I remember how it feels to cry on my bathroom floor, so broken I didn't know if I could ever stand up again. The sobs that shook my entire body as I lay in my bed pleading with God for answers. I can't because the minute I do, I'll let myself throw my heart away again. So I keep this as a reminder, that the day I meet a boy who doesn't make me feel this way—he'll be the one.
Maybe he won't be here in a week, a month or even a year. But I know he will be here in time. And that's all I need to keep me going.
Ardently,
Allie
Labels: boy, fall, heart, kiss, love, me, my, so, stolen
It's strange how much I can sympathize with this secret. It's from PostSecret, a community art project started a few years ago that allows people to relinquish their secrets by mailing them on a postcard.